I know I have blogged about my mummy anxiety in the past, but I am feeling I need to write about it again. Some of you may relate, some may not, however for me, I am hoping by writing about it, it may help me work through it. Plus help me sleep a lot better at night, as the last four nights have been rubbish, with waking up at some ridiculous times during the night, overthinking it all as we all know everything is a lot worse at 2am, and then unable to get back to sleep, well until about 5 minutes before my twins are due to wake up that is.
So why am I all of a sudden having mummy anxiety, AGAIN? Well let me tell you. We are off on a family holiday to Fiji on Sunday. We have been looking forward to this for absolute months. We have had the family holiday money box tin (to pay for my cocktails) which we have all been contributing to, including the kids throwing in their tooth fairy money (so they can buy some ice creams or souvenirs). I have the countdown app on my phone, which has been checked on a daily basis since we booked. There are pictures of the resort we are staying at on the fridge. Bane and Daya have already gone over the kid’s club activities and worked out all the activities they want to do, which is pretty much all of them! So, this should be an exciting time, right? In two days, we will be flying over the ocean to Fiji. For Bane and Daya it will be the first time they will remember being on a plane so are very excited to have window seats. Being born overseas they have of course been on a plane, however were just a few weeks old at the time.
There has been a lot of excitement in the household. I mean it is all we talk about of late; however, I have not let anyone know that I am afraid of flying. I don’t want my children to know that, and then possibly take on my fear. After all it is pretty ridiculous. I worked in travel for four years after finishing school, I lived overseas for three years back in my 20s and before having children Ian and I loved to holiday overseas. So overall have done plenty of travelling and plenty of flying and there was never any fear back then. That is until we had the twins. With all that has gone on in the world I am now petrified of flying. What if we are on the plane that goes down? The thought of my children who I love with every part of my body going through something so horrific freaks me out, makes me feel ill and makes me very, very sad. I keep telling myself there are hundreds of planes in the sky so what are the odds of it being ours? I actually googled ‘How many planes in the sky right now?’ and the answer is: ‘Depending on the time of day or time of year, there could be anywhere from 8000 to 20 000 planes mid-flight’. Wowzers that is a lot of planes! All that has done is change my thinking from what if our plane nose dives into the ocean to what if we run into another plane? See I told you I am an overthinker/part cray cray. I am showing all the excitement on the outside but on the inside, I am a nervous bubble that could explode at any moment.
The thought of anything happening to my children breaks my heart and terrifies me. They are so young and still have so much life to live. We went through so much to have them. To me they are the most awesome human beings to walk on this earth. I absolutely love them to bits. Which I know any mother would say about her children. So why am I struggling with this anxiety? I see so many others flying to holiday destinations with their kids but do not seem to show any sign of nerves. Or maybe they do and are just good at hiding it like me. I used to enjoy flying. It was part of the journey to get to the destination I was going to. I found it very exciting. I really want to move past this. I want to show Bane and Daya as much of this big, fascinating world as I can. I want them to experience other cultures and meet many interesting people.
Well time will tell; in 2 days I will be getting ready to board. Please tell me I am not alone when it comes to thoughts like this? It will make me feel less crazy. And if you are one who struggles with the thought of flying, how do you get past it?