This past week I spent two days with some amazing business women being coached and mentored on our businesses and life goals. I honestly felt very privileged to be in the room with such awesomeness. There was a lot of inspiration thrown around the room with definitely a few tears (mine included) and a little bit of "woo woo" stuff (which we all secretly love). During the two days we talked about many things including keeping it real in our businesses and showing our vulnerability. It made me realise I am often guilty of not keeping it real, as I want to show the good stuff of my life & my babies. I want to inspire those who are struggling to have a family to keep on going. I want them to see how blessed, even after 8 years of my own struggles I feel very blessed, and to find their inner strength and determination to also do whatever they have to, to have a family of their own.
However, I will be honest, and say not everything is roses and rainbows. So in light of wanting to keep it real, to challenge myself and show my vulnerability I am going to tell you all something about me which I have been struggling with privately. Even my closest friends and family do not know about this and will only know if they read this post. A-ha a good test to see if they actually read my blogs and posts :)
For the past few months I have been seeing a Psychologist. It is not a place I thought I would be. Me being in a place where I need professional help has all stemmed after a car accident I had in April last year. Yes 16 months ago! Yes I am feeling a little bit pathetic for letting this still effect me as the car accident was not fatal. No one died. The accident involved a large truck running into the back of my car as I was giving way at a busy roundabout and pushing us into the middle of the roundabout. I was driving the car with my young twins in the backseat. The vision I saw through the rear view mirror of the front of the truck pushing my car with my children in the back is one I have really struggled trying to forget. It was a real trigger for me as I was in a position where I could do nothing to help my kids and have since felt like I have become more of a helicopter mum (one who hovers around her children) than I was before. I do love a good nickname:) On top of all that, the driver did not even get out of his truck to see if we were okay. He just yelled a whole lot of abuse at me then fled the scene. Yes he left a very distressed mum and her two young children on the side of the road. Not a nice man who was obviously in a hurry that day so had no care for road rules or the safety of anyone on the road. Thankfully the 4 young people, who had been in the car I was giving way to, witnessed the whole thing pulled over and stayed with us until help arrived.
That day has changed me and made me even more frightened of anything happening to my babies, and how I just do not think I could go on should anything happen to them. It has shot my mummy anxiety through the roof. I am not just on edge when driving, as I am afraid someone is going to run in to the back of us and the tailgaters do not help with this at all, I am now literally petrified on a daily basis thinking someone is going to grab one of my children when we walk to or from school, or when we fly to Fiji later this year I am certain our plane is going to go down in the middle of the ocean. Plus don't get me started on how I feel at night time. With their dad working away I let my kids sleep in the bed with me, as then I always know they are safe, and breathing and no one has broken into our home during the night and taken them away from me. This way we all get a good nights sleep and I am not up all night feeling the need to go an check on them every 5 minutes. This mummy anxiety is real people! Last week when I was attending the business coaching days it was a huge deal for me to let my children go home with some school friends and their mum. Normally I would have left early to ensure I was there to collect my kids when the end of the day bell rang. I trust my school mum friend, but in my head I was certain it was the day she would have a car accident. Of course she didn't and everyone was fine and my twins had an absolute ball at her house with her twins.
My psychologist has been working on a few things with me including my fear of something happening to my children or something happening to me and therefore leaving my children motherless. She knows my story, and believes that because of what I went through to have my children it has given me an even greater fear of something going wrong, or that maybe I have not worked through all the stress I often felt when another lady in another country was pregnant with our babies. The car accident was an event where we were actually lucky, (thanks to our big, solid car) as it could have been a lot worse. I am not saying because of what I went through I love my children any more, same as because I did not have my babies naturally or carry them I love them any less. I love them as much as the next woman would love her own babies. At the end of the day this is something I am struggling with and something I feel I need help to get on top of, as I have tried to work through it on my own which did work, so am now owning it and getting the help I need and I am choosing to do this without the help of any anxiety medication.
During the two business coaching days we also had to write down what we were done with in life. For me, one of the things I wrote down was I was done with feeling disappointed in others if they do not react in a situation like I would. I am not saying I am a saint, however I always try my best to be kind and think of others. I have let the truck driver's arrogant ways and his lack of empathy for others effect me for some time. It is certainly not how I would have reacted should I have been the one in the wrong, however I am now done with it. I am done with thinking about it and I am done with letting that one event change me.
I know I am not the only one struggling with mummy anxiety, so I am sending a big hug to anyone who is also feeling like a big stress ball at times. I know to overcome my anxiety I have to change my mindset. I am working on this, as I get so much enjoyment from my children, so do not want my fear to stop us from enjoying more fun times and from making lots of good memories. I would love to hear from anyone who feels they are struggling the same as me or has some much needed advice. Please feel free to message me privately.