Last week I was interviewed on an online chat about my infertility journey. During one particular moment I was a little emotional as I relived a particular part of my story. To be honest, I had to really fight back the tears to try and keep my composure. Majority of the time when I tell my story the tears can easily flow and I am okay with that. I do believe I have healed from the pain; however there is lasting trauma surrounding my unexplained infertility. I will never forget every little part of our eight-year journey. You may be thinking, “Why does it still make her sad when she now has her gorgeous twins? Hasn’t she hit the jackpot?” Yes, you are right to think that, but there is so much more to my story than just dealing with my infertility. Over the eight years it took for us to have our twin babies it was an emotional rollercoaster, our treatments were expensive which made us stress over our finances, there was ongoing emotions ranging from sad to anger to jealousy, you name it, plus my life was pretty much put on hold for those eight years which was also most of my thirties. My days involved appointments with my fertility specialist, blood tests, scans, injections all whilst trying to revolve these appointments around work and keep a smile on my face.
When I wrote my book, Long-Awaited Child, which is the full, albeit emotional story of my journey to motherhood, there were lots of tears. But how could there not be, as I remembered parts which broke my heart, but along the way there was also tears of joy remembering the highs like when we finally found out we were having our babies, and then again when they were born. Funny thing is, at times I would have to move away from my computer and do some housework just to get my emotions under control. It is not something I have been easily able to move on from. There were some amazing, selfless people who helped us along the way, and without them we would not be the family of four we are today. I think of those extremely special people every day when I look at my twins, Bane and Daya.
I never want to forget the challenges we faced as it has made me the person I am today plus being able to share my story has given me more of a purpose in life, where I am now able to support others who may be dealing with struggles of their own. I do feel extremely blessed to be the mother to two amazing little humans, however I faced unforgettable disappointments and despair over the years which will stay with me forever.
Sure the writing process was healing for me in some ways, but also the trauma will never leave me. If this is now you going through something similar, where you are feeling so lost in a world of uncertainty, I understand you and I feel your pain, but I am also hoping and praying with every fiber of my being that you get to feel the joy motherhood brings.
As said by Leonardo da Vinci, “ “Tears come from the heart and not the brain”
Until next time,